(an old post from last year)
The title above relates to my mood right now, a mixture of Good and Bad, Positive and Negative.
With my grading looming ( just 2 weeks away now ) im really beginning to feel the strain, my social life is non existent, ive made sacrifices in my personal life ( for better or worse ), im losing sleep, training in some form or another pretty much every day, financially strained and emotionally drained, but i know this is all part of the test, why put such high esteem in a grade that is/was easy?
So my positives at the moment are mainly the fact that im learning again, im finding my weaknesses in training, and rediscovering the joys and pressures of gradings as i almost forgot. I now know how my students feel as they approach their Dan grade, i am also now very eager to send my students off to the panel to grade for their Masters one day. Perhaps then they will realise how i now feel, and how im in need of their support and help. Most of my training at the moment seems to be solo training, its hard to find people that can give up an evening/weekend day to help me in such things as pad holding, swimming, gym work or partnering me for sparring/ho sin sool/il soo sik, at times ive felt quite down about it as i speed home after work to jump into the dojang, get changed on my own and head into my solo program usually consisting of running through all the forms i currently know. Today i had a mixed day and this is what mainly brought me to write this post.
After initially aiming to head over to the guys in Penryn and not having anyone to travel with i decided it was back to the lonely Dojang again to get a sweat on, already in a not so sweet mood i decided to have a quick clean up again as i started this a few weeks ago when it really got me the state that its sometimes left in. After about 15-20 minutes i had it looking pretty good, im actually quite pleased. And heres where the positive started to sink in at last, i stood back and realised that i have turned the Academy around to something im even more proud of, its not clean as such and not finished but its looking much better, im much happier. The satisfaction was great and i headed into the session much happier, pleased that i had achieved something without relying on anyone else. Next i had a good round of forms, finishing off with some Staff work, digging out my acrylic staff with lights and trained in the dark just to make it a bit different.
After the session i sat down and contemplated for a bit. This is my grading, my test and if i pass it will be my victory and my achievement. It would have been nice to have support all the way through it, but in not always having it i can take sole credit for my own efforts, i dragged myself to the gym when poorly and injured, travelled to train when exhausted and wanted rest and given up alot to try to make the grade. I really wonder who else has done that for their grading ( either past, present or future ) I have seen little evidence of it from most, and as such I challenge any reader to ask themselves truthfully if this applies to them, and how would they feel if they failed that grading with the reason being that they could have tried a little harder? It could happen to me and it could of happened to you… I sincerely believe now that in order to progress in anything that needs such dedication as Tang Soo Do does then sacrifices need to made.
I have learned lots of lessons during the training for this grade, some positive and some negative but all relative and will be covered in more detail at a later date.
I will stress that this isnt aimed at anyone and is just how i feel today, hence the purpose of my blog, however i also always say if you think it could apply to you then think about it im very happy with the people i teach and train with, i possibly think im overdoing things at the moment and its leaving me drained and negative at times, which was brought to my attention by one of my Dan grades this week at training which was the catalyst for me finally updating my blog.
I leave you with this quote. Quote apt i feel
Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven’t planted